Value Always Comes First: What Causes Attraction and Falling In Love?

Relationships
Value Always Comes First: What Causes Attraction and Falling In Love?
The cause of attraction for both men and women is value… not looks, not grooming, not personality, not social status, not an emotional connection, not being ‘hard to get’, not being a good lover, not money, not gifts, not commonalities, not being nice.

Although many of these things (some much more than others) do indeed contribute to creating value, they are each only parts that contribute to a person’s overall value.

What is Value?

Value is anything that enhances, or has the potential to enhance the life of one or more people.

What Does It Mean To Be a Person of High Value?

A person of high value has the tendency to induce a feeling in others brought about by their presence, behaviours, or emotional influences. This feeling indicates (consciously or subconsciously) to the other person that they enhance, or have the potential to enhance the life of that person.

This term can relate to family, friendships and business relationships as well as to dating and romantic relationships. But for the purpose of this article, here we will only talk about how value relates to attraction and love.

Inherent Value vs. Superficial Value

Before we delve into why value is important and how you can go about cultivating it, it is important to first clarify the difference between inherent value and superficial value.
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To love is to see myself in you and to wish to celebrate myself with you. What I love is the embodiment of my values in another person. Love is an act of self-assertion, self-expression and a celebration of being alive.

~ Nathaniel Branden

Inherent value is authentic and purposeful. An inherent value system is based on your own standards you have worked to develop in your own character. Love reflects a response to ones own inherent values in another person.

(Mutual) inherent value systems are the foundation for any successful long-term relationship.


Superficial value is inauthentic and based on society’s standards. While it can and does contribute to creating attraction, superficial value systems are frail and will inevitably come crashing down.

When we refer to value in this article, we are always referring to inherent value – the type that can be earned and that lasts.

Why Value Always Comes First

Value leads to attraction. This is because attraction is merely a response to value in another person. When you are attracted to someone, it is because they give you a feeling that indicates to you that they have the potential to enhance your life if you were to invest in them in some way.

Value + investment leads to love. When you are in love with somebody, it is because you have emotionally invested in someone of value to you and so regard their actions to have a tremendous impact on your own happiness.

This is why a selfless, disinterested love is a contradiction. That would mean that you are indifferent to something you value, which is not possible.

Let’s take a look at a common scenario that helps to further illustrate the value dynamic and how it dictates so many of the decisions we make in our love lives:
  • Girl falls in love with ‘jerk’ who is unemployed and treats her badly.
  • Meanwhile all her other romantic prospects flood her with gifts and compliments, only to all be rejected by her. These men were are all better looking, have high-end jobs and are ‘on paper’ better catches.
Does this sound familiar? Maybe you know somebody involved in a situation similar to this one? Or maybe you have found yourself as one of the people in this situation?

So why was it that she rejected all the ‘good’ guys that flooded her with gifts and compliments, yet keeps coming back to the ‘jerk’?

Despite being a ‘jerk’, in this particular situation this guy still had more inherent value than all of the ‘nice’ guys. Whether or not they happened to be ‘nice’ or ‘jerks’, or have a good job or not, or have a better defined jaw line is irrelevant when it comes to value as these characteristics are largely derived from a superficial value system.
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Value instigates rationalizations: If someone is of low value, any other good qualities will not be acknowledged because they do not have any inherent value to bring to the table and value always comes first. In contrast, if someone is of high value, people will focus only on their good qualities.

Thus, in dating, value instigates rationalizations: If someone is of low value, any other good qualities will not be acknowledged because they do not have any inherent value to bring to the table and value always comes first. In contrast, if someone is of high value, people will focus only on their good qualities.

Now does this mean that a man has to be a jerk to get the girl or that a girl needs to start acting like a b**** to get Mr Right?

No!

They have to be high value – any specific positive qualities will then act as an added bonus.

Whether it’s in relation to attraction and dating, or love and romantic relationships, value always comes first and acts as a necessary pre-requisite before any type of mutually-beneficial relationship can form. Therefore, it makes sense whatever your goals are in this area of life that you always make cultivating value your primary focus. Cultivating value is always win/win: everyone benefits from a person cultivating value.

Cultivating Value: Common Qualities of All High Value Individuals

Our primary concern with being high value falls under three specific categories: CORE confidence, self-expression and giving value.

1. CORE confidence

A high value person doesn’t need someone else or their environment to dictate their own value. They know precisely what their standards are. They regard their own opinion of themselves higher than anyone else’s opinion of them (after all they know themselves better than anyone else does). For this reason their sense of their own inherent value is unaffected by negative (or positive) reactions from others.
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They [those with core confidence] don’t depend on other people, circumstances, substances or their environment to have that good feeling inside, they generate it themselves.

This doesn’t mean they can’t take criticism (or praise) and use it constructively. The distinction is that they don’t allow the criticism or praise to affect their concept of their own inherent value or sense of self. They don’t depend on other people, circumstances, substances or their environment to have that good feeling inside, they generate it themselves.

2. Self-Expression

The notion of self-expression is to exhibit yourself in an uninhibited, unstifled way: the overt communication of how you feel.

Expression is a true and authentic communication that is a by product of being unstifled. It involves acting through your own intentions, rather than trying to impress others as any attempt to make an impression is ultimately incongruent with who you really are. Instead, there is an alignment between your thoughts, words and actions. This is also what it means to have integrity.
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A high value person is not afraid to make themselves vulnerable and put their true personality on the line.

A high value person is not afraid to make themselves vulnerable and put their true personality on the line. This will be very polarizing: many people won’t like you when you fully express yourself, but this is something a high value individual is willing to accept in order to be themselves and to form real, authentic connections with people.

They understand that people who go out of their way to criticize unconstructively are actually just reflecting off of their own unrealized potential. This is because to express yourself freely is a highly desirable state that many people do not give themselves permission to do. This is why somebody like Justin Bieber attracts so many compulsive haters online. Very often it is the exact things they hate about him that reflect the way they wish they could allow themselves to be.

A high value person judges themselves by the extent to which they express themselves, rather than by whether people like them. They make an effort to decorate themselves, they speak well and take the time to groom themselves properly. They don’t do these things for others, but rather as an expression of their self-esteem.

3. Giving Value (With No Expectation of Outcome)

Have you ever met somebody who just made you smile? Made you feel better about yourself? Or made you feel completely free from judgement? Or elicited positive emotions? That's what it means to receive value. Giving value can be as simple as a smile. Or saying something clever that contributes to a conversation. Or having a unique and interesting opinion.

Being an individual who offers value for the sake of an outcome, however, is like a leech. This reaction-seeking behaviour is value-taking and unattractive. People will immediately sense your lack of authenticity and lose attraction (in the dating world, this issue is especially common among men in the scenario above).

A value-giver compliments someone because they want them to feel good, whereas a value-taker would be flattering someone out of their own self-interest. A value-giver is ‘spreading the love’. They ‘bring the party’, rather than trying to squirm their way into it.

A high value person gives value because they come from a place of abundance. This is the same reason Bill Gates gives much of his money away to various charities. A value-giver is the dating world equivalent of Bill Gates giving money to charity; a value-taker is the dating world equivalent of a beggar asking you for spare change.
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A high value person learns to offer value as a means of simultaneously enhancing both their own enjoyment of life and everyone they encounter. They believe in creating win/win situations rather than win/lose.

High value people learn to offer value as a means of simultaneously enhancing both their own enjoyment of life and everyone they encounter. They believe in creating win/win situations rather than win/lose. Other high value potential partners are quick to recognize others with this same energy. Attracting and keeping an amazing partner then becomes an afterthought.
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